


Shadows are a Cold Place to Stand

by AlabasterMoonbeam



Series: Plus Size Sara Ryder [6]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy episode, Jaal lives in his siblings' shadows, Jealous Jaal is Jealous, Jealousy, Sara likes flirting, What happened to my smut???, plus size
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:17:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlabasterMoonbeam/pseuds/AlabasterMoonbeam
Summary: Much like Sara, Jaal is often compared to his family.  Since Allia left him for his older brother, Jaal has a tendency to assume that everyone (read: Sara) is going to abandon him for someone else.Sara, for her part, only has eyes for Jaal.





	Shadows are a Cold Place to Stand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lycianthara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lycianthara/gifts).



> You lucky bugs, you get two uploads in one weekend! I wanted to cover Jaal's own insecurities about being left behind or overlooked.  
> I meant to have smutty times, but that will have to wait, probably the next one or the one after, fingers crossed!
> 
> Sorry this one is so heavy on the feels; Jaal just doesn't lend himself to sarcastic self-deprecation like Sara does.

*Jaal felt himself freeze. There was no possible way to move, and he was hovering a few inches from the floor. He was able to breathe and he could speak, but any attempt at a more active movement was futile. The Cardinal was there, in front of him, talking to Sara. When had Sara arrived there? Why was she frozen? Jaal saw the Cardinal inject something into Sara. Muscles straining, Jaal lurched to her aid, or tried to. But his body was petrified. Then, without warning, Sara’s body was crumpling on the floor, and Jaal couldn’t help her. He couldn’t save her.*

“NO!” Jaal fell from his bed in the techlab. Dreaming. He’d be dreaming. He was in the kett facility where they had rescued the Moshae, but was watching Sara die all over again. A cold sweat had broken out on his skin; clammy and cold, he stood up. He didn’t understand what had happened that day. He had been so angry with Sara over the destruction of the facility. However now it seemed he had also been covering his own anguish. While it would have been a blow to lose Sara then, if he were to lose her now… He shook his head violently, walking toward the galley.

*Akksul’s shot rang out, but instead of grazing Jaal’s face, it hit her in the gut. She was bleeding, but nothing hurt. Sara looked from her stomach to Jaal. His face was so pale it was almost translucent. Comically huge tears welled up in his eyes, blurring the galaxies within. Sara took a step toward him then crumpled to the ground, hearing SAM’s voice ringing in her head that she had to-*  
“Wake up, Ryder. I believe you were having a nightmare.”  
“What? Oh, SAM, I...yes, I was having a weird dream.”  
“Jaal seemed to have one, as well. He is in the galley.” SAM made the statement as if it were nothing. Rolling out of bed, Sara pulled on a cozy cardigan. It wasn’t cold on the Tempest, but she enjoyed the cuddly nature of this sweater. Vetra had found it among some other clothes that fit Sara’s larger body well. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she went into the small kitchen.

Jaal jumped when the door opened, then breathed out a long, slow breath. Seeing Sara, alive, unharmed, was what he needed right now. She stepped just past the door, and stood, motionless, eyes intent on him. Just seeing her, knowing she was warm and alive and right there made his eyes well with tears.  
“Jaal!” Sara’s voice was barely above a whisper, but in the quiet of the ship it seemed louder to Jaal. He looked at her, shook his head, and said, “I dreamt about you dying on the kett facility.” His voice broke and he didn’t bother to continue. Sara stepped a bit closer and opened her arms in invitation. Like a man out of options, Jaal walked into the hug, shutting his eyes to the Tempest, rivulets of tears hugging the contours of his face.  
***  
They had spent the night sitting in Sara’s quarters, Sara explaining her deep, abiding trust in SAM, Jaal describing how he knew Akksul wouldn’t actually shoot him. Eventually, Sara fell asleep, her back to Jaal’s chest, and Jaal thought he might never want to move, if this was how he could stay. He wondered if that was love or something else.

Landing in Kadara, Sara went to speak with Reyes about some smuggling issue or something. Jaal followed, closer than he usually did. He didn’t like Kadara, and he really didn’t like Reyes. Still, Sara had business with him, so that was that, but Jaal didn’t have to like it. Drack was with them this time, and had laughed when Jaal suggested following Sara in to her meeting with Reyes.  
“Just let her handle it,” the old krogan had said, as if she were just going to meet with a contact. Which she was, of course. Drack was right, Jaal thought to himself. Just two people, meeting up to discuss business. So why was it taking so long?  
Finally, Sara exited the back room with Reyes. There was a knowing smirk on the man’s face, and his hand was resting on the small of her back. She smiled up at him, her eyes twinkling with her characteristic mischief, before Reyes drew her into a tight embrace. About to walk over to smack the man, Jaal began to move when Drack’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.  
“Not the place or time,” Jaal gaped at the krogan. Seriously? The man acted like a grandfather to Sara, but he was going to say that now wasn’t the time to hit that smarmy look right off Reyes’s face?  
Sara came strolling up to them, her face all dreamy, then looked Drack in the eyes, and asked “Yeah?”  
“Yeah, kid. Jaal almost ruined it, though,” Drack removed his hand and punched Jaal in the upper arm, as gently as a krogan could manage.  
“What? How?” Sara looked surprised as they made their way out to the Nomad beyond the fence.  
“He almost came after Reyes,” Drack chuckled, “A bit jealous, were you?”  
“What? No.” Jaal wasn’t jealous, was he?

On the Nexus people were always stopping Sara, asking for assistance, airing their grievances, asking her out on dates. That one was weird, considering how often she wasn’t on the Nexus. Sometimes, though, she said sure. It never ended well. Dating back in the Milky Way was hard enough, but no guy wanted to try to fit in drinks between Sara’s meetings and briefings. She had accepted this date before she had crawled up Jaal’s leg, desperate with desire, but she kept it, figuring it was better to let him down gently in person than to email and hope he didn’t ask for more information next time she was on the Nexus. They went to the Vortex and sat in a quieter booth. She was explaining that she was seeing someone else when Jaal walked in. The look in his eyes said he wanted to stride over and drag Sara out of there, but he didn’t. Instead he went and stood near a couple of asari, making it clear with his body language that he was interested in them. They must have spoken and what Jaal said must have been accurate, but his attention wasn’t on them. All his body, his electricity, was focused completely on Sara. From the corner of his eye he saw her stand, shake hands with the man she had been with, and watch him leave. Then she was turning, looking directly at him. Jaal turned his head, made eye contact with her, made sure she knew he saw her, and then she left.

Well, damn. That sure sucked, Sara thought as she made her way to see Scott. He was still unconscious but she liked to stop by, let him know she was doing everything she could to make sure there were golden worlds for him to choose from. She chatted with some of the medical personnel, then checked in with Kandros and Kesh. Nothing new there, but she got to say hello before heading back to the ship. It seemed she was the first one back, which wasn’t too surprising. Her original plan had been to go to her date, run a couple of errands, then spend some time with Jaal tracking down some datapad books he might enjoy. That had been shot to hell when he took up with a couple asari. Who knew angara did one night stands. One day stands? Whatever, the point was that she had somehow pissed him off. Sitting down at her terminal, she saw she had, among the thank yous and general requests, an email from the Moshae. Sara didn’t even know that the Moshae had email. Clicking it open, she saw it was addressed to Jaal, not her.  
She should close it, but the subject line read: Do Not Screw This Up.  
Don’t screw what up? Sara’s eyes went down to the message, and before she even knew what she was doing she was reading the email.

Jaal, I know you. You are always jumping to the wrong conclusions, deciding things before anything is certain, ever since Allia. But, as you have no doubt realized, Sara is not like Allia. She does not know your family, she knows you. You must stop assuming-

Sara stopped herself. This wasn’t her email to read. She quickly forwarded the email to Jaal, adding a note to him that it had been delivered to her by mistake. Then, turning on some calming music, Sara started her new yoga routine. Lexi had suggested it, and Sara liked it. It was way better than all the regular running around she did; it was calming and balancing. She was just finishing when her door hissed open and Jaal stormed in. His eyes were sparking and snapping, his fury simmering just below the surface, tripping toward boiling as he looked at her.  
“How?” He ground the question out between clenched teeth.  
Sara’s eyes went wide with confusion, her eyebrow quirking up, “how what?”  
“How dare you send an email like that and pretend it was from the Moshae?”  
“Jaal,” SAM began before Sara cut him off.  
“Not a good time, SAM.”  
“Oh, yes, and then there’s SAM! SAM, who can kill you on a whim, we can’t forget him. Was it your brilliant idea?” Spittle flew from Jaal’s mouth, he knew he was being reckless, but between the email from the “Moshae” telling him not to let Sara go and the flirting that she did with nearly every man she met, Jaal just didn’t care.  
Sara’s eyes went from confusion to annoyance as she strode up to Jaal and punched him, hard, like she had seen him do with his brother.  
“Jaal, I don’t know what I did to piss you off,” Jaal scoffed at her, “But I did not pretend to be Moshae Sjefa and email you. That was a message she sent to me by accident. So you can cool your heels on that one! Now, what is actually making you so angry?”  
Jaal massaged his jaw where Sara had decked him, knowing it would bruise later. He wasn’t ready to be calm, but somehow her conviction that she hadn’t written the email was having that effect.  
“Reyes,” Jaal spat the name out like a poison, “how long have you been dating him? How many people are you dating?”  
“You think I’m dating Reyes? Is this because of that thing on Kadara?” Jaal grunted his affirmation and Sara continued, “You idiot. I was flirting with Reyes, but only to get the information I need out of him. He likes to flirt, he does it with almost everyone, and it makes it easier to deal with him.” Jaal took a deep breath, trying not to believe her, even as he wanted to believe her so badly.  
“As for how many people I’m dating,” Sara looked a little sad, “before I would have said just one, but now I don’t know if that is true.”  
Jaal stood and looked at Sara, wondering what she meant. The silence stretch on, as Sara rolled her mat up and stored it, keeping her back slightly turned to him as she asked, “Is it still true, Jaal? Am I dating just one person?”  
Sara looked at him, her eyes searching his face, begging him for an answer.  
“How should I know? I thought we…” Jaal trailed off, not sure what he thought.

They had left each other after that. Nothing had been resolved, and Sara wanted to resolve it, as much as she could. Emailing Moshae Sjefa, she asked one important question about Jaal’s brother and Allia. She received a response so quickly Sara thought maybe the Moshae was just waiting for that email. The details were sparse, but confirmed what Sara had suspected. Allia knew who Jaal was, who his family was. Whatever affection she may have had for Jaal was eclipsed by his brother. While it seemed that Allia may have cared for Jaal, she did not want to be connected to such a family by some young son who had not yet proven himself in the Resistance. Using her connection with Jaal, Allia quickly met his brother and they married not long after. It would have seemed completely mercenary on the part of Allia, except that by all accounts she really did love Jaal’s brother. Maybe she always had, and just needed the opportunity to connect or reconnect with the man. Jaal had been left behind, one more accomplishment for him to stand in the shadow of. Sara sat contemplatively for several minutes after reading the email. She knew what she had to do, but would it backfire?

It had been several hours since Jaal had stormed into Sara’s room, but his desperation at losing her to some other man had not dissipated. He was poring over his list of things he knew about her. Beside him lay the note with the poem, the crease lines clear from folding. He looked up when the door opened, but was surprised to see Vetra in the doorway. She looked at him, then told him to meet the Pathfinder in her room. Standing, Jaal left the datapad list, but took the poem, carefully folding it and returning it to its pocket. Sara was in her room, sitting on the edge of the couch, her fingers twisting around each other only pausing to have him sit with her.

“Jaal, I don’t know quite how to tell you this,” Sara’s voice faltered as Jaal moved to leave, her hand grasping his forearm to stop him, “but you need to know something. You told me before that you joined us at least partly to distance yourself from your position in the Resistance. Hopefully, you know you are valued here, not for who your family is, not for your intel from the Resistance or Evfra, but for you. As a team, we would be incomplete without you, specifically. As for me…”  
Jaal’s mind whirred trying to comprehend what she was saying, what she was doing. Sara was making sure he had a home. The strange little orphan alien was providing Jaal with a place in the galaxy.  
Sara cleared her throat, continuing, “As for me, well, I value you. Not you as an ambassador to my ship, not you as an ama Darav, but you.” Reaching her hand out, Sara twined her fingers with his. They sat like that, thighs pressed close, hands clasped together, silently, for a long time. Finally, Jaal drew a shaking breath.

“Do you want to meet my mother?”


End file.
